Esther Nagle

I get it!

I turned to alcohol and drugs to drown out the screaming in my head. To ease the torment that was there all the time. To fool myself and others that I was happy, that I was confident, that I was enjoying my life.

I wasn’t any of these things. And when the booze ran out, and the drugs wore off, I was even less.

I turned to men to feel loved, to feel desired, to feel wanted. But they didn’t want me. They didn’t even see me. They just saw a woman who wouldn’t, couldn’t say no. Who would passively accept them because she couldn’t see just how much she would reject them if she was sober.

I felt less loved, less desired, less wanted with everybody I woke up to.

I turned to food, to sugar and carbs, to provide comfort, to ease boredom. I tried to regulate and control my eating, sometimes bingeing, sometimes purging, never eating just for pleasure or nutrition. 

Social media and the internet became my source of connection and identity. A dopamine hit when I needed to feel seen. The endless scrolling to avoid feeling the loneliness, anxiety and boredom I was feeling. 

I’d feel drained as I was scrolling but still return 10 minutes later.

I have beaten myself up for all these and more. I have loathed myself into more addiction, more self-sabotage, more misery.

I believed them when they told me I should be ashamed of myself. That I was a slut, a junkie, a drunk, a terrible person, an awful mother.

And for years, my shame made all my decisions for me…

Until I found my ruby slippers, and learned that I had the power all along.

I was able to release all that shame and tension, all the self loathing, and came to realise that I could follow my own yellow brick road to recovery.

I learned some new ways to cope and be with my emotions. New ways to connect with my body. New ways to view myself. New ways to love myself.

I’ve been sober of alcohol and drugs since October 2014. I have a much healthier relationship with food, and eat food to enjoy it and to nurture my body now.